WHAT? WATT? WHERE? WARE?

by Thom Goddard
(London, UK)

A person calls for roadside assistance after breaking down on Watt Street in Ware, Georgia.

Caller: Hello? Hello?

Dispatcher: Hello... are you there?

C: Oh, hello.

D: Yes, hello.

C: Oh, thank goodness.

D: Can I help you?

C: Yes, yes.

D: What can I help you with?

C: My car has broken down.

D: What seems to be the problem.

C: Well... my car won’t work.

D: Yes, I realise.

C: There’s no need to be like that.

D: Sorry. What has happened?

C: I was just driving along and the car died.

D: Dead?

C: Stopped working. Conked out. Kapput!

D: There’s no need to be like that.

C: Sorry. The car has stopped working and I need roadside help.

D: Of course. That’s what we do.

C: Excellent!

D: I just need some details. Where are you?

C: Yes.

D: I mean what town.

C: Ware.

D: The place you’ve broken down?

C: Ware.

D: The name of the place you standing right now?

C: I am in Ware.

D: What are you asking me for?

C: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.

D: Where?

C: That’s the name.

D: Where’s name.

C: Yeah.

D: Well go ahead and tell me.

C: That’s it.

D: That’s where?

C: Precisely.

D: Look do you actually own a car?

C: What kind of question is that? Of course I own a car. And it’s broken down.

D: Where’s it broken down.

C: That’s right.

D: Is it?

C: Yes.

D: Look, when the repair man comes out to your car, where do you want him to go?

C: Straight there.

D: Where?

C: There.

D: The car?

C: Yes. Now you’ve got it.

D: Got it? Where?

C: YES!

D: Ok. Do you have sat nav?

C: Yes.

D: When your sat nav finds the car, where does it say it is?

C: Ware.

D: The sat nav.

C: Ware.

D: The satellite navigation.

C: In Ware.

D: What are you asking me for?

C: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you!

D: Fine. Forget the town.

C: No, not Forget...

D: I’m mean, let’s move on.

C: Ok.

D: What’s the name of the street?

C: How did you know that?

D: What?

C: Yes.

D: Pardon?

C: No, Watt... Street.

D: What are you asking me for?

C: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you!

D: You’re not telling me anything.

C: I’m telling you everything. Now I’m on Watt Street.

D: I don’t know.

C: Why not I just told you.

D: Told me?

C: Yes.

D: Told me what?

C: Yes.

D: What?

C: That’s it.

D: The name of the street?

C: Spot on.

D: Spot on?

C: Spot on.

D: So, now we’re getting somewhere. Spot On Street. Now what’s the name of the town?

C: No, that’s the name of the street!

D: What is?

C: Yes.

D: Yes?

C: Yes.

D: So, Yes Street in what town?

C: No, Watt Street, Ware.

D: What are you asking me for?

C: I’m not asking you!

D: Ok, this is getting us nowhere.

C: No, just Ware.

D: Ok.

C: Ok? You’ve got it?

D: Say I am driving to you what sign should I look out for?

C: Ware.

D: When I’m driving to you?

C: Ware.

D: Driving to you.

C: Ware.

D: Oh, let’s not start this again.

C: No... the car won’t start. That’s the problem.

D: Is there a sign on the road?

C: Yes.

D: What does it say?

C: Watt.

D: The sign.

C: Watt.

D: The sign on the road.

C: Watt.

D: READ OUT THE LETTERING ON THE ROAD SIGN.

C: Watt Street.

D: YES, ON THE STREET.

C: Watt Street.

D: THE STREET YOU’RE STANDING ON!

C: Watt Street.

D: Oh, I can’t take this any more. I’m going to tell the repair man whatever you tell me.

C: Excellent. This has taken a very long time.

D: Where is the town.

C: Yes.

D: Yes Town?

C: No, Ware.

D: Where Town?

C: Do you have difficulty understanding English?

D: No, why?

C: Where Town. Me on phone. You listen.

D: What?

C: Yes, that’s the street.

D: Ok, you are on What Street in Where.

C: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

D: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

C: But that’s perfect - Watt Street, Ware.

D: Please don’t start that again.

C: No problem.

D: So lastly, your name?

C: Annie / Mike (depending on actors).

D: Ok, Annie / Mike wha... Do you have a surname?

C: Place / Orr.

D: Annie Place / Mike Or... Any Place? / My Car? Goodnight!!!


Note: For performances in the UK the road is Watt Street in Ware, Hertfordshire.